At work I've been told recently how I need to make lists and goals on things I need to do. Oddly, they wanted me to list things on there that had been done already for this to-do list. But why list things have already? Isn't it a big waste of time?

The entry below is a type of thing I've made a lot of but have never posted here. So I'm not sure how it will be received. But I hope it will be received well and thank all who read it. I may post more if it is.

I left this on a cliff hanger, huh? Really, my thoughts on spirituality have not changed too much. I know I can never be a Christian because I do not find the Bible inspiring or overall even moral. Luckily, most Christians are able to find enough in there to live good lives. Actually, good people can find good in nearly anything. Those that want to hurt and destroy will find a reason to do that as well. 

I've spoken to a few people about this but never have had anyone else who has experienced this. I grew up in a Christian household and eventually started looking at other beliefs of all sorts. The odd thing is that I got to the point where I'd considered myself many things in mind. But soon I came full circle and looked at the beliefs I was born with. Then I would go back. And then back again. Oddly, sometimes I will switch religions in my mind multiple times a day. I feel it's a curse almost... It seems at these moments I've very sincere in my thoughts, but suddenly out of nowhere they switch again...

Technology seems to tear people farther away from each other. Not that this is an original thought. It's said all the time. But it can be very true. As things get faster, people expect things faster. As people have the ability to communicate with people across town on their bluetooth or across the globe on the internet, people start to ignore the people around them. I think Zaadz is a little like that too. It's really great that I've talked to a lot of people I share interests with, but at the same time it makes me see I don't really relate to the majority of people I have to interact with face to face daily. Somehow I was born in the midwest with a very different mindset than those I see daily. I think the goal right now is to find those people that push my brain and life in the area I want to go- because the whole job and family thing isn't very inspiring to me right now. Hmm...

As always, I feel like growth is right on the horizon. Well, that they are beginning now but will take some time. I had actually restarted my Holosync meditation for a week before deciding to stop once and for all. It was getting too overwhelming. Quiet meditation with some reading of the Gathas have done much good for me. I've been feeling more at peace spiritually. After turning things over in my mind a long time, I admitted to myself what I can and can not believe and just can't go back to ways that seem attractive only because I grew up with them. But at the same time, my antagonism to these beliefs has settled down. I can't persuade people of their flaws and really don't want to. I'd like to see them act more compassionately to others. That is what is important. I also have started a new 'creative blog' at http://quietcreations.net This site has been made to be an outlet for stupid stories and such, while this Zaadz blog will be more serious. Recently I decided I'm very thankful not to be a person that 'needs someone'. By someone, I mean just anyone. One day I hope to have that right person, but I feel very content to grow alone at this time. This is a very good thing because it seems I have no choice in the matter right now. Ha. But I did come to this conclusion while a choice still existed. In this growing stage of life, an other might just be too much energy to put into. At least judging by the amount of energy to badly sustain past relationships. I can only imagine how much energy needed to be put in to make them work!... I've even set up some goals to achieve in my mind, but I will share those another day as I set out to accomplish them one by one.

I've forgotten that I meant to keep this online journal going! But I've been thinking of somethings and making more changes. I had the Akashic reading I mentioned a few entries back. And I was told some things that really got to me. I could say it contained truth and that it shook things up. Or I could say it was all fictional and she gave me some of the best advice I've been given while knowing nothing about me. Immediately afterwards I stopped my Holosync meditation. She did mention it, but suddenly I decided it was of no value to me and may be doing the opposite. This is not to say I've given up any meditation. But a more natural, breath based kind to start out. Things looked a little different and I started going in the right direction. But then I seemed to forget it and regress back into some older ideologies. Oddly, looking at that carving of the beggar made me remember everything. For some reason I see myself in it.

I've noticed a lot lately how it's human nature to believe our own choices embody 'truth'. It's most common with religious people, especially Christian, but also goes for vegans, right handed people, exercisers, and even people with self destructive behaviors like smoking and drinking excessively. This also goes to the opposite of all those behaviors. They all speak of those that made a different choice as being wrong and ignorant, not worth while to talk to, etc. My only conclusion is that people are extremely sensitive about subjects like these. They don't want people questioning their faith or lifestyle(which is pretty annoying as it is, but sometimes people have legitmate reasons to keep them from understanding. Just hearing 'it's right because it's what I've decided to live by' does nobody any favors). They don't want decisions that are destructive to the planet to be questioned. Suddenly people that don't like fast food, wars overseas, and SUV's are hippie tree huggers. This name calling seems to only put a label over the face of people of people we don't understand and don't wish to. I only hope that less people would stop speaking of everyone that does not share their own viewpoints as 'them'. And being 'them' is equal to being 'wrong'. Because, of course, we are always right.

I've tried many things to spark new creativity, but when it comes down to it, I simply lack discipline and work better randomly. I've tried methods from The Artists Way which just seems like too much busywork. But my lack of discpline in creativity actually extends past writing style. In times my life feels too structured, I write a lot less. When I start creating chaos and getting off a schedule, I feel much more alive. This is why a work schedule doesn't work too well for me. It makes me feel like a well oiled machine with not very much to say. But as soon as I'm walking around barefoot in the grass in the afternoon, a story pops into my head. Or some crazy poem. It's time to stop trying to discipline myself into a productive writer and just play with words like all my best stuff has been. Of course, best is pretty relative. I really don't know if people actually like what I write...but I guess that's their problem. Personally, I think I rock and like reading most of my stuff... Which by the way, I'm willing to send people copies of my fun and slim book of stories and poems if they're truly interested. I probably won't do a lot of this, but I'd like to let a few more people out there read my stuff. My large ego requires it.